"Penis: An Ubiquitous Presence"

That's the title of this article for the Surveyor last night for today, that, unfortunately due to its *slightly* obscene and "controversial" nature is going to have to be reworked into a mere shadow of its former self...oh well...anyway, I'm told that it's fairly entertaining, and thought that I might post it, despite the fact that it's half-baked in places because I wrote it the night before the due date on a caffeine high. Anyway, enjoy.
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Penis: An Ubiquitous Presence

Tube steak, wanger, wank, bishop, rooster, nasty noodle, johnson, russle the love muscle, pizzle, (captain) winkie, schlong, pecker, pud, lizard, warrior, cob, man missile, peter, and sometimes even “snack pack.” whatever you want to call it, the male sex organ certainly “enjoys” a phenomenally pervasive presence in modern American and world society, even poking up occasionally in religion, and making scores of cameo appearances throughout history.
First off, America is utterly saturated with images and references to the ever-present phallus. Consider things like Big Johnson and Woody’s Longboards t-shirts, Monica Lewinsky, jokes about submarines, donkeys, telephone polls, and the thousands upon thousands of other crude phalluscentric jokes you have heard in your life, Slim Jims, Magnolia, Trojan Condoms, Saturday Night Live, specifically the Ladies’ Man, stand-up comics, the advertising industry, Viagra, Jake Thomas, South Park, and the list goes on, and on, and on.
“But why Tyler?” you might ask. “Why is our society so obsessed with the male sex organ?” Well, for a few reasons that I will theorize about momentarily, it’s kind of funny. Try just saying it—come on, say “penis.” Yeah, that’s right. Louder!—I mean…If you aren’t already laughing, well, you’re probably thinking something along the lines of “Man, Tyler is a jimmy.” See? You’ve got thwack on the brain—even more evidence of the penis’s influence.
The main and arguably sole reason for the countless penile references made in our culture is because it lends itself so well to humor, that, at least for about 50% of the population, is relatively easy to relate to.
Male sexuality, for a variety of reasons, the main one, in my opinion, of them being our expectations and norms for male sexual behavior, is more socially acceptable and generally okay to talk about. Add all of that to the uncomfortable, “taboo” and hypocritical, yet natural and necessary nature of sex, and you have the two indispensible ingredients for successful comedy: loads of ammunition (no pun intended) and, for the most part, a willing audience.
In addition to it’s overwhelming amount of screen-time in American pop culture, the penis takes a perky role in religion as well under the title of “Phallicism”, including both ancient and modern Paganism, Hinduism, Christianity, Judaism, and Greek mythology.
It seems that throughout the course of history, this mix of desirable comedic circumstances has lead to a series of more or less welcome jabs at phallus humor. Shakespeare’s plays, for instance, make consistent use of Johnathan jokes, and serve as just one example of a plethora of other phallic references.
And I’m spent. Hopefully you’ve enjoyed this discourse on male genitalia, and hopefully you’ve learned something about its presence in our culture and society, religion, and history. Go forth now, enlightened pupils, and spread the good news of the phallus.